Getting away from the monkey madness

I couldn't think of a better post title.

Probably because I have decision fatigue, (Thanks El!) which is the difficulty one has after making too many irrelevant or too many minor decisions. I don't usually suffer this, one thing I know about myself is I don't do well with too many choices.

I can handle change, because change is a constant, but I don't go in for the 'change it all' philosophy, but I can sense that in my life, I'm ready for a change. Don't know what kind, but all the signs are there. I have learned over the course of my life to just go with it, to see what comes of these little whispers of 'what if...'

This week was a loooong one. The boys are 'Over' the school year, and they have four weeks left. Drama Girl is 'Over' high school, but not ready for the 'Work World.' I had a slew of appointments which jarred my schedule almost every day, and also left me exhausted. I let myself get too stressed, too wound up and too, I don't know, too not the self I want to be. I forgot about being mindful, and that completely messed me up. I am more at peace when I am mindful. I forgot to be objective, to not take things in, to not hold on to things, to not make it about me, to let go, and to accept, to look for the peaceful path.

Which means I was grumpy, ate poorly, moped about, and was a little(lot) whiny and complainy.

I posted this on facebook:
“Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle."
Another variation is
“Be kind, for every man is fighting a hard battle."
It should be:
“Be pitiful, for every man, every woman, is fighting a hard battle."Often, children, too, but lets leave it at every man, every woman.

We all know that the angriest people are the unhappiest. Sometimes, the nicest, kindest people are
among the unhappiest. Sometimes, kindness is a weapon against misery, just like anger is. The saying was a great reminder for me to be be kind, not only to others, but sheesh, to myself, too. To accept what needs to be accepted, do what needs to be done, to 'be' where I am. 

Also, to not try to complain that the place I'm at is not the place I want to be, because as places go, it's not a bad place! We all have had our battles, or are having them now, or will have them one day. It's how we humans are. There is so much in our minds and in our heads, so we should be kind to others, even the ones who aren't really demonstrating their best qualities. We should also be kind to 

ourselves, because as long as we're trying to improve, we're improving. As long as we are
trying to be better, we're being better. We do make a difference, and we can make big impacts with small words of kindness.

So my long week is over, I've mentally reset myself, pulled myself out of the tired, stressed, wound up monkey mind world, and I've forgiven myself for getting dragged back into it because, of course, I spent at least a night moping at out how unmindful I was being, how I hadn't meditated, how I wasn't
going to work out three times a week and how I was not really taking care of myself. Because that was useful not at all, and now I'm going to get some writing in, because that is the best part of my nights. Well, that and reading really great books.

The unspoken part of my writing process

I should write down the funny things I say. I always say I'm going to do it. Last night, I said about 20 funny things, and thought 200 more.I can't remember them. They had to do with writing. Always, with me, the writing. Well, the writing, the kids, the writing...

I am 35K words into my next novel, while still trying to find a home for the second novel. My second novel is fun! Different! Seeking an agent! The first novel was given to the writing gods as sacrifice.

This is my third novel. Thirty-five thousand words. But it's so complicated, I had to stop and create timelines for my main characters, because they exist at different points in time. It's a science fiction novel. Thank Arthur C. Clarke for this novel-in-progress. Next is ordering the scenes.I've written 35K worth of scenes, but the order is wrong. I will probably end up losing 10K words. That's what happens generally in writing, but by doing the scenes now (never mind it probably would have been wiser to do earlier) I'll not write myself into a tangent or a hole. There is only one ending. I have to get them all there.

None of that was funny. Because now that I'm thinking I should write down all the funny stuff I say, I can't think of anything funny.

It would be funny if you could watch me mentally block out the timelines and scenes... my children are so used to my brainstorming and plotting process that I'm afraid they think it's normal.

"Doesn't everyone's mother walk around the house frantically, muttering under her breath and pulling her hair?"

Because that's my process. I literally pace out plots, scenes, characters and conversations. In my house, I pace back and forth while imaginary people in my head in period/time costumes and intricate settings hold entire conversations, discussions and arguments.

I say things out loud like, "No, no, wait, she can't start off there, the fish girl has to. Mmm. I think her mom's crazy. Should I kill her? Yah yah she has to die, or it won't work." Then I grasp my hair. Because it's so complicated! "Okay, wait, I got it. She definitely dies."

The boys just walk around me to get to their breakfast/snack/lunch of Cup o Noodle soup.

In the meantime, an angel and a young woman are having a conversation in a dark room with a clock. The microwave in my kitchen goes off, and I'm back, out of my head, thinking, 'Cup O Noodle again?' but then the girl says something in my head and the angel responds. Hair pull. Whaaat just happened there?

Another Cup-o-Noodle in the microwave for boy 2.

Our grocery situation is dire. I hope someone does something about it soon...

That's my writing process. I pace, plot, write dialogue and scenes. The children eat Cup-o-Noodle.

I know, I know, I haven't been on the blog for a while, but it's the nature of my brain. (see above)
Sometimes, I have so many thoughts and ideas and want-to-dos that my mind is like a giant super-hurricane - all a force of ideas and thoughts that swirl and storm and run wild and unchecked. All I can do is hunker down and wait for it to pass. When it does, I wander around the wreckage of my own head picking up the jewels that got unearthed or were tossed to shore.

So that's where I've been - in the messy super-hurricane-jumble of my mind. On the outside, that looks a lot like me sitting on my couch eating chocolate-coconut cookies, reading epic fantasy, streaming bad video, staring off out the window daydreaming and/or pacing the house.

It is useful, in a way, I guess. It usually clears up the problems in my writing or helps bring clarity to whatever situation set off the super-hurricane. Luckily, it never lasts long. Well, except when I was 13. I think it lasted an entire year. I don't really remember 13. I was probably daydreaming.