Sunday, January 06, 2008

Out of the blue, blue

So, I've been handling my mom's passing away fairly well, I suppose, as well as anyone.

I mean, we had our last Mother's Day together, (don't even try to find me on mother's day this year, despite being a mother, I don't think I can quite handle the memory) watching Sarah Plain and Tall, which is now engraved in my memory, I was there with my sister and brothers all at the same time, so she got to see all her children one last time. I held her hand. I hugged her. I told her I loved her. She said the same. We smiled. She smiled so much when we were there. But she was so sick.

Anyhow. She passed away some time ago. In July, I suppose it was. Does it matter? It seems like she's been dying since last Easter (another holiday I may have to avoid this year -- it was Easter we got the awful news). I made it through the rest of the summer. I made it through my birthday in October. I made it through my daughter's, and my son's birthdays in November and December. I survived Thanksgiving. I beared Christmas, may have even given off the illusion of enjoying myself.

New Year's, however, did me in. I refused to celebrate it, to even acknowledge it, and went to bed at 10:30. I woke up New Year's Day, without the normal yearly Happy New Year phone call. My mother loved holidays, so you can forgive my scroogeness, because she made so many ordinary holidays so happy. So, New Years Day I woke up in a profound mood -- glad 2007 was over, but not really trusting 2008 to do me right. I made it through the day though, and the week, and now it's past midnight on Jan. 6, making it officially Monday, Jan 7, and I can't sleep because tonight, for no real reason whatsoever, I decided to terribly terribly miss my mom.

And I can't go to sleep because she is on my mind. And, not actually being alive, I can't do anything about it except sit here and miss her terribly. I would pull out a picture, except the image of her is ingrained in my mind, so there's no need.

I would normally express this awful dilemma to my brother, who is not online, because he's in bed, or my sister, who works in a lab at night, or even my brother-in-law, who knew how close we were to her, but no one is around, so, it's just the blog and I.


MommasWorld said...

I get like this about my Grandma. It has been 8 years since she passed away but sometimes it just hits me. The other night I was washing a few dishes and I suddenly wanted to cry. Most times I think of the happy things we did or funny things she said.

People will tell you it gets easier as time passes but really it doesn't get easier. You just learn to move your thoughts to a happier path.

I am sorry your mother isn't with you but I am glad you had many years with her.

Sending you a great big warm hug!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Many others have had similar events, I'm sure. It's best to remember the good times as much as possible.

Melanie said...

I know where you're coming from, my friend. It's been over 6 years, and I'm still not ok with my mom being gone. It sucks. I know that's probably not what I should say...I should say, time heals and you will feel better...and it may and you might, but there's just something about having a mother. It's priceless, and when she's gone, it hurts. I'm so sorry for your loss.