Sunday, August 27, 2006


This is long, but it's something I've obsessed about since I was like, 15.

I want to clear up one thing right now, before I start.

I'm cute. I think. My husband says so. Other guys have told me so. I've picked up the occasionally 'amazing hottie' (who, as all women know, are amazingly boring) and I've turned a head or two in my youth.

I was always cute, born that way. I'll probably die cute, too. I have really bad days, where I look horrendously thugish, or frumpy gone way wrong, or downright hobo. On an okay day, I think I'd make a great dwarf, minus the beard, unless I run out of facial hair remover...

But, I was also occasionally 'hot' in my youth, when I was, get this, THIN... and wore... BELLY BARING SHIRTS... ah the days... (Youth being defined as under 30. I lost the hot factor a few years ago.)

On a REALLY good night, I have been called, lascivious, (in the good, you are sexy, not the bad, you are a ho, way) and not by my husband. Or a drunk. So I have my really good days too. (Just so you know, I'm trying to improve my wardrobe so I never look like a hobo again)

While I may never really 'turn' heads anymore, I have retained some 'cuteness' I like to think. (Let me live the dream people)

I admit I'm quirky, but if you blog you have to be, so that's just a given. Yes, I'm pudgy, but three kids, and a love of bread, cheese and Haagan-Daaz, and see how you fare. I am also curvy, so I have some room with pudgy, but short, so that almost cancels out the advantage but not quite.

I only say this, because, when you read the next line I don't want you to get the wrong impression... See...

I have horrible teeth. Oh they don't look bad at a glance, it's not like one's sticking out, or they are so yellow people ask me if I dyed them intentionally that way, or anything like that. Most people tell me they don't mind them, but only my friends who I admit my toothy obsession with.

It's just I have an abnormally small mouth (yet so much noise comes from it) and my teeth are overcrowded and one sticks out juuuuussst a taaad, and they aren't pearly pearly white, but then I haven't done the bleaching strips yet. I still have all my wisdom teeth, and somehow, when I was young, like fourth grade, I lost my back adult tooth. My chin recedes just a tad, because my jaw isn't perfectly aligned. Not enough to make me look weird, but just enough to screw up any damn photo I'm in. My profile bites.

Now, you are thinking, nobody has an abnormally small mouth, you're exaggerating. Well, let me say, it took twice as long to do x-rays and the technician, Pablo, who was young and soooo adorable, at least in the opinion of all the women in the office at the time including me, (though his eyebrows were a bit thick...) needed to call for assistance. For the first time in history, my DENTIST had to wait on ME! HA. And they told me, yes, it was rather small, and overcrowded.

So if I have horrible teeth, you are probably imaginging tooth decay and gummy grins in my near future. HA. Nope. Though McRed, who has had a ROOT CANAL ALREADY, assured me that if HE needed a root canal I would need like, seven. What do I need? Deep cleaning of the gums (apparently, I don't floss enough) which weren't in bad shape but could just 'use it' and um, a couple of cavities SOO SMALL she said, that she wouldn't bother doing anything with them except that I told her I'm going to get braces. She said braces make cleaning teeth harder, so I should just fill them, and she probably wouldn't charge me for one or two of them when she uses the nice white sealant because they were so small. I got this dentist on a recommendation, and let me tell you, she is great.

She told me I was nowhere near root canals or crowns, and the most important thing I could do is get the braces.

I'm in my 30s. So what do my dentists and every technician ask me?

"Why have you waited so long?"


Fuck you? No no not the right response.
Why the fuck do you think I waited so long?
Because I LOVE the uniqueness of my teeth!
I enjoy my slightly recessed chin.
There is nothing that says 'sexy' than a smile full of lopsided teeth.

I don't want to explain 'gee because we were fucking broke, alright? and teeth weren't up there on my parent's priority lists of food and stuff, and when I was 17, I had the chance, but I got scared and I also knew it cost a LOT of money my father didn't really have and since I had a boyfriend and have had other boyfriends I knew it wasn't SO ALTERING that I was unattractive so I bailed.

Then I joined the military and didn't have the money and was young and didn't want to bother. Then I got married and wanted to bother, but we JUST never had the money until after we left the military (go figure) some years ago, and then we bought a house and got pregnant and moved and well life got in the way. Now we are settled and stable. Now we can do this. But I don't like having to explain it.

So my new line is going to be not rude, but not informative. I don't like explaining it (but I don't mind on a blog ha ha) and I don't feel I should have to. So I'm just going to say 'I never had the opportunity' and if they say 'why not' I'll say 'lots of reasons' which may be rude, but look, if my parents HAD the money I WOULD have gotten braces. It's common sense. So if an adult gets braces, the logical assumption is that for some (probably financial) reason, the parents didn't let them get braces.


Now, the one thing I dread.

They'll probably have to pull at least one of my wisdom teeth (apparently I can keep the others weee) and um, break my jaw.


But I'm feeling good about it, and I just need to make sure I make the consultation appointment next week while I feel good about it.

My dentist even gave me a free panel x-ray to give the ortho so I don't have to pay for it. She even gave me a recommendation for who she said was an 'excellent' ortho, and didn't recommend the guy that works in their office because, she said, (and this is scary) a specialist would probably be better. YIKES>

So. My teeth are bad. I will suffer amazing pain to get them straightened. Apparently, with my new shiny straight teeth (in two years) I will look hot again, and be thin, too, from the forced liquid diet for like, two months.

Because if they break your jaw, you can't eat, so you get thin... See, every cloud has it's lining....

1 comment:

Rick said...

Came across your blog by chance... I enjoyed reading it.
I'm a dentist....
Please, don't be too apprehensive about your treatment--it always looms so much larger in one's mind than it actually is in reality... Really. From root canals, to oral surgery, to ortho: most people say "Hey, what was I so worried about?!)
I think it is great that you are taking care of business!!!!