Saturday, July 22, 2006

Dumbest quote

Well, one of the dumbest.

Sunset Magazine, a gift from my sister in her attempt to make sure I never move to an opposite coast from her again... (She went to Washington State, I went to England, she went to Japan, I went to California, she went to California, I went back to England, she moved to Oregon, we went to D.C. Finally, we moved closer to her, to the immense relief of my father who really just felt that as sisters we should live near each other, but just to be annoying, we moved one state above her... ha ha ha)

It's a good magazine, lots of cute garden ideas I fail to execute as well, lots of good weekend-travel tips and vacation ideas... If she loves me, she'll renew my subscription next Mother's Day, riiigghhht?

But this quote killed me. Here's the background, it's about a vacation ranch in Montana:

"Mountain Sky is how God would design a guest ranch if he had the money."

Ummm. Gee. I bet God is just thinking, 'you know, he's right, if I DID have the money, I'd do Mountain Sky, but gee, I don't. All I have are the tools of creation. Dang, too bad. It's a good thing somebody down there does have the money to charge people to enjoy nature. Because it's not like nature was ever at one time free.

"Why, back in the day, I remember when Adam and Eve were evicted from the garden. Oh it wasn't just illicit apple picking, no, they like to make it out as though it was a slight misunderstanding, but the truth is, Adam couldn't keep a job, it's why his first wife, Lilith, left him, and Eve was no better than Adam. He was six months behind on his rent but Eve would come crying to me about the alimony he had to pay Lilith and it wasn't his fault and oh just one more chance, but finally, I had to boot him, and that ended my interest in real estate.

"I chased them out, and handed over all land management to Lucifer, who it turns out was in the middle of an affair with Eve, and I should have just washed my hands of the whole thing back then, but no, I felt I had a duty. Frankly, it got to me, I took it too personally, and lost my temper and flooded the whole place, and then felt guilty, so felt I owed it to them to give them another chance, and see how that worked out, but I digress.

"If I was still in the nature and real estate gig, I would probably open up guest ranches like Mountain Sky. It is tempting, even now, but, all my money is tied up in investments elsewhere. I had a great creation-gig going on in a galaxy far far away until some nefarious power-grubber ventured in, so I've left that galaxy and am starting on another universe entirely, but this one, completely void of the traits that slipped in with humans. I've altered free-will a bit and tweaked 'guilt' and 'sense of responsibility to nature' a bit. Nature will be free for all to enjoy, because all creatures will be bound to the greater spirit of the planet so thoroughly, their skin will be varying shades of colors found in nature. That was a touch I just HAD to add. I can't wait, it's going to be brilliant.

"Also, the concept of advanced weaponry or architecture will make them unbelieveably sad, so they will stick to dancing in meadows and chasing creatures with arrows for dinner. My greatest trick yet, however, is the isolation of what I deem to be the most devastating gene of all... and I've ensured this creation doesn't have it... yes, that's right, I've found and eliminated the gene responsible for 'economics.' I'm very excited. We'll see how free will works without it.

"As for the sons of Adam and Eve, yes yes I've neglected them it's true, but really, it's not like they ever listened to me anyhow. Look at them, look what they've done to my masterpiece... wars, global warming, financial institutions, pavement, skyscrapers, nonbiodegradable products, that Lahdeedah's back yard just brings me to tears... and so much more, it never ends.

"It makes me furious every time my eye turns that way. I'm afraid if I get involved again, I'll make true on a promise I spouted in anger, and send my four horsemen in to wipe the slate clean. Once they go in, I'll let Earth, the poor doll, heal for a couple millenia, and start with something new, maybe I'll save a few dolphins and let them evolve to have opposable thumbs, see what they can't do."

1 comment:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Well written, Lahdeedah; most enjoyable!