Friday, June 30, 2006

The Others

I've been browsing the blogosphere. There are many bloggers, many really good ones. At first I thought, how inspiring, but now, I'm not sure. It seems that I am lost in all worlds. I don't belong in the blogosphere, that never-ending, 24-hour, 365-day a year world of writings and comments and bloggers and their friends that I enjoy but just don't fully understand. My friends read this blog. I read theirs. I suppose we are a blogosphere of our own.

I told my friend I was going to go back to work. But I think I'd be just as lost there as I am in the blogosphere, as I am staying home, as I am not doing what I know I should be doing (and therefore have started doing yes, I think I get it now) because I thought maybe, I shouldn't do it. I was a bit doubtful. I don't want to be doubtful anymore.

My husband is reading the Art of War. He suggested I take that wonderfuly absurd work ethic I have (had) and refocus it. He told me I looked really pretty today. Three times. He said it three times, and I felt like I was 23 again and he was there smiling at me across breakfast in the chow hall I never ate in because it was gross, telling me he was going to Korea but it was alright and asking me out to some races anyhow, and I went even though I had a headache. So then he told me again how pretty I was, and I finally said, 'really, do you mean it?' and he smiled and said yes, and I looked in the mirror and saw someone I hadn't seen in a while and I was glad, because she had dreams and plans to make them come true and she was going to, you could see that in her eyes, she was going to do what she said she'd always do, and she was right there, looking back at me, and I knew, for a moment, I knew who I was and what I was, and I had already succeeded.

So now, I suppose, it's only a matter of time.

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