Friday, June 30, 2006
I told my friend I was going to go back to work. But I think I'd be just as lost there as I am in the blogosphere, as I am staying home, as I am not doing what I know I should be doing (and therefore have started doing yes, I think I get it now) because I thought maybe, I shouldn't do it. I was a bit doubtful. I don't want to be doubtful anymore.
My husband is reading the Art of War. He suggested I take that wonderfuly absurd work ethic I have (had) and refocus it. He told me I looked really pretty today. Three times. He said it three times, and I felt like I was 23 again and he was there smiling at me across breakfast in the chow hall I never ate in because it was gross, telling me he was going to Korea but it was alright and asking me out to some races anyhow, and I went even though I had a headache. So then he told me again how pretty I was, and I finally said, 'really, do you mean it?' and he smiled and said yes, and I looked in the mirror and saw someone I hadn't seen in a while and I was glad, because she had dreams and plans to make them come true and she was going to, you could see that in her eyes, she was going to do what she said she'd always do, and she was right there, looking back at me, and I knew, for a moment, I knew who I was and what I was, and I had already succeeded.
So now, I suppose, it's only a matter of time.
Today is the start of a four day weekend for my husband, but for me, it is one 8-pg midterm and a 5-page research paper weekend, neither of which I have started. Why, oh why do I do this to me?
Thursday, June 29, 2006
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Which just makes me wonder, what exactly happens when your human experience is over. Do you get to go on another one? Maybe a better one? Like, you know, you wake up late and the line for the really cool ride is sooo long you just say, ah we'll take this piddling one til the other line gets shorter?
Yeah yeah I'm procrastinating. What's it to you?
And now, a brief essay.
What year is it?
It’s just another hot day in another hot summer. There’s a crisis in the mideast, oil prices are high, the American automobile industry is in the can and the nation is uneasy. I turned my oven fan on to drown out the whining of one of my toddlers while I tossed peppers and onions around in a skillet and hoped the chicken wouldn’t overcook. Then I stopped, mid-stir, and wondered what the fuck year it was.
I mean, I’m in the kitchen cooking dinner for my family, after a day of shooing kids away from the television, avoiding laundry, doing some cleaning, and making mental shopping lists. My husband will get home and dinner will be on the table for him. He’ll talk about his day. I’ll tell him about the kids day and my day, which involves considerably less adult interaction than his day. We’ll put the kids to bed and have some chill time and discuss exactly how the country is going to hell, in a handbasket no less! And, I lie not, today, my hair looked like Mrs. Brady’s.
What year is it? I mean, seriously. This is exactly what my mother did. And her mother before her. And her mother. And so on. Oh sure, there were those years when the mothers worked. My grandmother on the other side worked in factories, along with my aunts. She worked in the local school when I was growing up.Today, most mothers work, have worked, or will work again when the kids are older, and will never stop working, but in better jobs than our mothers and their mothers. In fact, for a brief decade, women were expected to work, have kids, make dinner, and solve world hunger. I think, I mean that whole super-mom thing happened right? And when I grew up, I was going to be a super-mom, well sorta, I was gonna have a meaningful and fulfilling career making a difference. But I only did that for ten years, and probably didn’t make a difference, had some fun, though, traveled a bit. But than baby 2 and 3 came along, baby 1 really needed someone home, we moved to the West, the happening place to be, and um, well, here I am. One of those women that worked, got a husband, got kids, and stayed home.
What year is it again? So maybe I’ll work someday. Or maybe I’ll join the PTA. Or maybe I won’t join the PTA, but I’ll do lots of carpools. I didn’t mean it to happen this way. I wonder how many women do. But I can’t stop staying home. I mean, the kids, I think this is better than the alternative. Not that the alternative is bad, because women spent forever trying to get equality in the workplace and good and interesting jobs, I am all for that. I mean for us, the alternative is both of us working 60-65 hour weeks, paying more than three-quarters of a salary into childcare and just being exceptionally stressed out. So we don’t do it. We have an option. So every year or so we address the ‘going to work’ thing and so far, for the past two and a half years, it’s a no-go, and we’re not going to address it again until at least Kindergarten. I remember hearing my parents have this conversation, but the difference is I have a college degree. My mom didn’t, so that is progress I guess.
But doesn’t anyone think it’s strange? I mean, it feels like, almost like, nothing has really changed, culturally I mean. Women who make careers a priority struggle like the super-moms of the 80s to balance it all. Men struggle to help their supermom wives balance it all. Some men stay home now. I suppose that is different. Some women forgo kids or have them much later for careers. That is not a new thing. The men with wives who stay home seem to be fine with it. The dads who stay home seem to take a light-hearted approach to it. Some of the moms who work want to stay home. Some of the moms who stay home, want to go back to work. But many moms stay home. Many make provisions for it. They intend to work in their careers and then take a few years off when they have kids. That is not the supermom motto of the 80s. I hear of these work-friendly, take-your-baby-to-work places, but I don’t buy it. In-house daycare is kinda cool though. But that’s not where I am. I’m in a split-level home in a small neighborhood by an elementary school with an SUV and three kids. I am inundated daily with informational advertisements letting me know how to clean my house and kill bad germs, as well as cook nutritional meals in the microwave and quickly, because we all know us moms are busy with those busy kids. If you took away my cell phone, the internet and cable television, what year would it be?
Oh sure, it’s a whole new global world, right? But somehow, here, in split-level
Also, calming the impulse to toss Drama's room out the window. I mean, if there's nothing in it, it'll be clean, right? I'm thinking bed, two sheets and a wool blanket, a foot locker at the bed and locker in the closet. :) Think of the organization!
I was supposed to start at two, but toddler Bear was jumping off the bed, and apparently got hurt. Or Turbo did something, because Turbo did apologize to Bear when I went in, though I'm not sure what for, and Bear didn't want Turbo to give him a big hug.
My rule is that when you walk into a room and your son has tears in his eyes and snot rolling out of his nose, obviously, unless you are the cause of those tears and snot, you need to hug him.
Well, Turbo, he's a quick study that one. Not one minute of consoling Bear passed when all of a sudden Turbo gets out of bed, puts on a half smile and starts fake-crying, and sitting in my lap. The thing that totally ruined it? The sparkle in his eye and the twitch in his upper lip... honestly, it was twitching from trying not to smile! I busted up laughing, which totally got him smiling gleefully and I unfortunately rewarded the behavior by hugging him for being so freakin' cute while poor Bear was still sobbing softly into my now-snot-ridden shoulder.
Dear Drama is in her room not cleaning it.
Whatever. We haven't painted her room because she can't keep it clean enough to actually walk through and tape. She's really saving me aggravation I suppose.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
This is where I am. Desk. Window open. Nice breeze.
Husband. Black chair. Reading, actually READING a text book.
Me. Writing. I'm supposed to be writing on chapter 13, til 11 p.m. New writing time, 9-11 p.m. Sunday through Wednesday. (I do school on the weekends.) I want to write my other story. I'm sick of stupid fairy tales.
Must. Be. Strong.
Someone posted on how to give up soda.
I spent a month brainwashing myself into believing that soda was the ultimate evil preventing against weight loss. I think like, one soda a day is linked to obesity (read or heard that) so there is science to it. Plus, the calories in non-diet soda...
But before you can give it up, you need to believe that Mountain Dew, Dakota's choice drink, isn't just goat piss, it's hell-spawned goat piss.... I belive I decided that Aspartame (whatever it's spelled like) is intentionally engineered to be addictive :). We just need to lie to ourselves to do the right thing....
Okay NOW i'm going to stop blogging and start writing...
And about blogging, did you know there is a whole blogging community of women, moms even, and all are welcome? HA HA HA HA HA.... Another club I'll never get to join! That's okay, I've got my eensy weency blog roll, I'm good... I mean hey it's a start...
If not, there will be yet another angst whine post at around 1 a.m. west coast time.
And now, brilliant comments from my children...
Drama: "Um, Mom, I hate to say this, but that tank top is waaaay too small for you.". )*%#) kid.
Bear: "Thomas. More Thomas. FINE." Somebody says FINE way too much in this household.
Turbo: "Hey. Kitty. Get outta there." A FULL SENTENCE.
And for those who want interesting blogs:
Is there something with Nashville? Anyhow check out these two sites... they rock...
Busy Mom is just amusing as hell. And Lucinda is like, hmm, funny. A little too cute, but hey at least someone is. They are both in Tennessee. Who woulda thunk?
It's been oh, I don't know. Probably six months since I started really going and trying to make an effort. Six months, not one of those 40 women know me. I mean, they know my name and that I have three kids, but they don't know me. At all. Nor do they really care to. I would like to know a few of them, but they all are closed to me. Which means one thing. We are sooo not going to click. See, I like to know the people I hang out with. Not everything, everyone has secrets or things they don't share, that's fine. But well, likes, dislikes, ideas, dreams, past, anything. I know nothing about these women except their kids names (because they are always using them) and sometimes their names. No matter how many times I try, I can not synchronize my brain patterns to theirs. We dont' communicate on the same level, meaning, not at all. Oh I'm sure some of them know each other, in fact, they probably have bonded and are not so closed with each other, but I've been going for about six months and I'm still the outsider. Ummm so this whole thing is so not happening.
But I don't want to just drop it. It's not that I think they would miss me. That's part of the reason I'm dropping the club. They wouldn't miss me. Wouldn't even wonder about me, except in passing and then a 'oh huh hmph oh well' no, I'm going to just drift away and not renew my membership this fall. I'll drag the kiddos there to morning playgroups with my poor daughter who'll be bored, giving me a reason to leave early, and that's that. I'm going to ix nay bunco night for the library's book club and not try to force my hexagonal shape into their perfect square pegs.
I say square pegs because while I am sure that in their own homes some of them may use some off-color language, in a group mentality it is all gosh darnit goodness politeness, hi how are you how have you been oh nice nice nice nice nice. Not a bad word. Not an off-color word. Lots of watching though. I just remembered that. They are always watching sorta, which means they are probably judging which means I've probably broken a bunch of secret behavior rules I didn't know about but whatever. So. Uber polite. Perfectly proper outfits. Perfectly proper rules for the kids "oh we give them healthy snacks, we want them to eat healthy..." as they shove tater casserole onto the kids plates cuz yeah THAT is healthy... anyhow I digress. They are super polite and proper and while they don't have tupperware parties, they are big into stamping.
Now here's the thing. I'm sick of being all nice about them. I always say, it's me not giving them a chance, or it's just I don't know them, or it's just I'm from a different coast and there's a cultural divide or 'I'm just a different sorta person anyhow so it'll take time...' and I'm sick of it. I'm fine. I'm interesting. Dammit, I am occasionally even funny. (Thought I admit my blogs are rambling and long...)
So I'm going to rant, okay? No no they aren't bad people, nooo it's all me, just my imagination. They are fine, it's juuuust me... Whatever. This is a club that's supposed to welcome new members, and I feel about as welcome as a cat in a dog pound. Oh sure they started a welcoming committee for new members like AFTER I joined. It seems the best time to join a mom's club is right when you have a kid, at birth, so you can go and grow together. For me it's too late. My boys were toddlers when we joined. No bonding time. I go to event after event, and still, have no clue what half these women do when they aren't attending mom's club stuff. They had movie night once, which I was like, great I can do that, but they cancelled it, and haven't rescheduled since. Bunco night is more of the same women. I'm convinced one of the woman doesn't like me at all, which is fine, but she like, WAS the new member coordinator. So I'm being all nice and polite about these woman that aren't really accepting me no matter how I try (except for one who is very nice and I like her, but um, ONE out of 40+? Yikes.) I'm all nice and end up sitting alone because nobody really talks to me since they don't know me. When I try to talk to people, they don't take the conversation anywhere. Now, I know I'm a pretty decent conversationalist. I may not be the most charismatic person in the world, but I do have my moments. No, they just aren't interested. And no matter how hard I try, I can not enter the twilight dimension that is their world. For all I know, their whole world is mom's club. So. Enough being nice about them. I'm sick of being nice about people that care so little for me if I really DID just drop out completely they'd probably never ask if I was okay.
So, to be quite frank, blunt, and not polyanna polite,
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Well, lo and behold, as I knew it would, it was resolved and the two little girls are gleefully playing over each other's homes again and the moms are cool again and the dads have rebonded, and the little son is running free between the two homes, and I am back to mere waving terms with them all.
Did I call it, or did I call it?
It was in the 80s today. The boys for some inexplicable reason would rather hover around me in the heat instead of hanging in the cool basement. I didn't dress them today. Just Diapers. Now, if we have another day in the 90s, I'm dressing the horde and dragging them to the lake. I don't think they would complain. I was already at the lake on Monday, sent a thank you email, and got ignored. bah. OH MAN I am watching a commerical where a chubby stoner is on tv telling us we need to watch what we put into our cars just like we watch what we put in our bodies... um, what's in YOUR body dude... sheesh...
Okay so it was hot. But not unbearably hot. We've got fans and I've got tank tops. I'll be spending more time in the basement this week, I've just had stuff to do upstairs so couldn't go hide. We went out to the store and it was nice and breezy. I'm still trying to find a way to get a good breeze going through the house. I did order some nice 'for women with actual boobs' tank tops from Victorias Secret, so I won't have that sweaty bra line that's so attractive to men... ha ha ha...
And a new swimsuit that will actually fit. I also bought McRed new swim trunks. He's so excited HA. But he's going to be in the water because he's got two little fish that have discovered water is fun. Well one, but I'm convinced the other was just tired. I mean, Turbo went nuts kicking and splashing. When I went in the water and held my arms out he practically leapt into them. No fear. Bear just sat on the dock and wanted to dangle his toe in. But, like I said, he was grumpy and tired all day. Drama loves the water, we won't talk about how fast she went riding that raft thingie. Yikes! Note to self: Swim Lessons sooner than later.
Speaking of Drama, she spent $5 on a kid's nail kit. She is now sporting fake purple nails. OMIGOSH. She's NINE. Yesterday, we did her nails black, you decide which is preferable. All my husband said was 'oh Goth, cool. now if you'd stop PICKING them maybe they'd grow and look pretty.' Black nail polish. I'm so proud.
I haven't written in four days. I'm going to write tomorrow, and probably take a nap heh. That's how the boys handled the afternoon heat. They took an extra long siesta. It was incredible. I was too awake to take a nap, but it was tempting.
So not much to say today. Supposed to get progressively cooler throughout the week.
Um Ed, Mr. Crotchety,
Don't leave for the army without giving us an address duude.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Here is what I learned about safety in the home:
Every state uses pesticides, each state has crops that need lots of pesticides used on them to be a viable crop. I can tell you what Washington State's are, because we got a list, but not what other states are.
Your true best bet is to buy organic produce for everything, but if it's too pricey, than only buy organic for the crops that require the use of a lot of pesticides, and regular produce for everything else. Also, with non-organic crops, use soap and water, not just water, to get rid of the pesticides, and then PEEL them, if possible. Also, they sell a wash in the store, but she said soap and water is just as good.
For organic delivery: justtomatoes and pioneerorganics both deliver. Just Tomatoes delivers everywhere. A bunch of moms and the presenter were all keen on the just tomatoes website, especially for their dried fruit. I believe the latter is more a northwest thing.
Here's why I'm sorta sold on organic produce currently... kids are peeing pesticides. It gets in their system. YIKES. Not only are our kids bigger due to cow hormones, but now they are weed and bug resistant... who woulda thunk?
ChemGreen and all those other lawn services are not good for your children. They absorb the chemicals through their skin. The best news? They use these services or similar ones at parks everywhere. Yippeee!
Slug bait kills dogs. Unless you hate your neighbor's dog, use beer in a container instead. Slugs love beer, and it only makes dogs silly.
Weedkiller is bad for your kids' skin. Pull or dig up weeds. Honestly, it doesn't take THAT long (unless you have my yard but we're not going there)
Here is the most common time children drink cleaner, eat comet and spray 409 in their eyes: you are cleaning, you are a cleaning maniac, you have three rooms done and you are just on a roll and the phone rings, you stop, pick it up and walk away... but you don't put the cleaner away or up high... little bored toddler finds something to do. Also, if your child can open child-proof cabinets, move your stuff up high, behind a child-proofed cabinet.
Um, no nice way to say this. Don't, ahem, flush tampons down the toilet. It clogs up pipes and drains. Your call.
Common household products that may contain (meaning probably) hazardous ingredients: drain cleaner, oven cleaner, toilet bowl cleaner, bathtub/sink/tile cleaner and all-purpose cleaner.
Refresher -- there are four words required by law to be put on all products that meet the criteria. The words denote the hazard level.
The terms again:
Safest -- doesn't contain 'warning' 'caution' 'danger' or 'poison' on the label.
Moderate -- 'caution' or 'warning'
Highest -- 'danger' or 'poison'
It's recommended you get rid of all 'danger' or 'poison' products as those are the ones that will kill kids, and idiot adults.
Also, check for products with no scent or a light scent, these are safer.
Hand pick and kill slugs. Or trap them with beer.
Buy 'good bugs' at nurseries to get rid of your aphids and other 'bad' bugs.
Use vinegar and water to mop floors and clean windows and mirrors.
Use baking soda, vinegar and hot water as a drain cleaner. It's like the volcano experiment in your sink.
Instead of Comet, use Bon Ami. It's sold in the store on the same shelf as Comet.
Seventh Generation products are also pretty good.
Vinegar and water apparently cleans everything, so just stick with those -- it's 1 cup vinegar mixed with 3 cups water. All the other crap sold in the stores are really not essential. So everyone who secretly felt they were wasting their money on cleaning products, totally right.
For those products you HAVE to have, keep them up high and locked.
There's something to do with lemon but I can't remember what.
You can go here to this link for more info, but it's local to my county. It still has good info.
That's about it.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
But I think I should read 'The purpose driven life' and maybe glean some tips.
I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I truly feel like I'm going down a meaningless road with no clear goal, no real purpose, no meaning, no real idea of what will be attained. I hate my masters' classes. They bore me, and I view it more as professional development that can be useful rather than educational, true brain food. I'm not sure where it will take me, if anywhere.
I love writing. I want to be writing more. I want to write four to five hours a day. Short of getting up at 4 a.m. or going to bed at 4 a.m. that isn't happening. So I don't even feel I'm accomplishing anything in that area, which is the most painful of all.
I'd like to just 'have faith' that this road is the right one, but when you're just heading down the road cuz it's the only one for miles, wondering if you're lost or should have turned right way back when or at the last left when you felt maybe you were kinda lost, it's hard to have that faith.
I mean, where is this road going? What if it's one of those long midwestern roads that don't actually lead anywhere except to dirt roads, dead ends, or a cross roads with equally long empty roads?
What is my purpose?
I think Asimov's robots had a greater sense of place and being than I do right now.
I do not feel like 'me' in this life. I feel like I'm 'pretending' in a role that clearly I suck at.
I mean, I love the boys. I love reading them their silly train books, and the bear book and the wild things. I love that they cuddle up with me to the couch and lean their heads on me to get a look at the pictures. I love that i know my daughter is home safe after school and that she can just go flop on the couch and chill with me in the kitchen after school. Yet, I feel I should be accomplishing more.
Someone Hep Meh.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Seriously. You think, no no you're not just a mom, you're you too...unique, clever, smart, funny, not-marked-by-your-offspring you, so let me tell you my day. Those of you who know me, would probably not expect this day to have actually ocurred to me. All will admit though, that no matter what you might think, or say, the truth is, yes, even quirky, doesn't-think-right me, is just... a mom.
Morning: wake up, go to gym, work out and inform Sir Buffalot that no, I'm not getting my ass out of bed before 7 a.m. this summer, and if I manage to get down to a size 8 this summer on his workout will sign up again in the fall (though I did not mention the latter part, as he would then mention that it would be nice if I actually did cardio). Okay that is where 'me' ends. You'll see.
Get home with my vanilla latte grande and a mocha for the man who slept in because I came home late. (Okay, that is sooo me)
Make kids 100 waffles each.
Make daughter make her own 20 waffles.
Settle kids in front of Blues Clues and take hasty shower.
Forgot to destubbilize legs.
Turn water on.
Run frantically around looking for semi-clean clothes for said kids.
End up settling for not-really-too-bad looking.
Run frantically around looking for four sandals.
End up finding three.
It's summer. Who needs shoes?
Get self dressed, gobbilize new hair cut into some semblance of a style.
Get children dressed.
Flee out door to Safeway to pick up last minute 'pot luck lunch contribution' (trail mix and a veggie platter.)
Go to house infested with other moms, toddlers and babies.
Listen to speel from King County's Waste Management Program representative.
Can't help noticing said representive was young, skinny, cute, and sporting really cool, flattering, black bootcut slim-fit trousers that I couldn't justify buying due to having nowhere to wear them.
Learned all about how all the cleaners in my house can kill us all...
Learned how to avoid the cleaners that can kill us all... and stick to ones that will only moderately impair health, as well as cleaners that are completely safe, and can be used as a side-dish at supper if really desperate.
Got a free 'green' cleaning kit with recipes for home-made cleaners, and an honest-to-goodness 'bucket' to add to my 'cleaning kit.' This would be the first 'kit' for cleaning I've ever owned.
(I really can't wait to try the volcanic drain cleaning recipe -- fun for the whole family)
Chatted with mom's that really feel I'm from a different dimension. Small talk is hard for me. I haven't jived yet.
Finally left. Not jiving gets annoying after a bit.
(I mean, come on, I'm the ONLY person that thought clear liquid in an unlabeled bottle that isn't water would be vodka?)
Drove to store. Picked up meat for dinner, (note to self, marinate meat after blogging)
nice shoes for boys, crappy disposable flip-flops for boys so next time they lose shoes won't look like bad red-neckin' mother, soy vanilla milk for Bear's new addiction (honestly, how was I supposed to know he'd like it THAT much?) and smoothies for all of us since no one really ate a full lunch.
Ran home, had Drama put all perishables in fridge while left kids in truck while calling insurance company while patrolling driveway (same one as parked truck with kids) to finally clear up some insurance thing.
Got Drama and self back in truck, drove to boys' speech (don't really need it) therapy.
Came home. Made Coffee. Dealt with Drama's meltdown after having loud reaction to initial meltdown (it's a freakin' GAMEBOY, I can't win em either).
Called friend in panic mode. Thanks friend. All of us involved are doing better.
No it was nothing to really panic about, but some of us were freaked for a brief moment.
Finally drank coffee.
Realized entire day was totally suburban, totally mom, and totally dull.
Blogged about it to feel better.
See? I'm just a typical mom. One of a gazillion. This was just a typical mom day, one that went well, as opposed to the ones that normally involve laundry, weed attacks, toddler fights, wall art and weight gain. Though, at least my household will smell all non-toxic, lemon and vinegary clean from now on.
Now, I'm off to marinate the meat, make dinner for all, have a beer, light, 64 calories, thank you, greet hubby with a kiss when he comes home, maybe even put on some twirly skirt and pearls, and bs my way through homework.
p.s. Slug bait will kill your dog.
p.p.s. Products labeled 'danger' and 'poison' will kill kill kill you all. Don't use them. Look for products labeled 'caution' and 'warning' as they will only impair your health. Better yet, go totally like, green dude. The labels are required by law and have specific meaning. So everything labeled danger and poison really are dangerous, poisonous and will kill kill kill...
p.p.p.s. Wet swiffer jets spray stuff for floors will make dogs really sick. Toddlers and kids who eat off floors sick, too.
p.p.p.p.s. anyone interested in my recipes, let me know and i'll be happy to post em.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Lets just say today was not ideal, but I'm not discouraged.
Here's the breakdown, and where I screwed up:
Food week 2
Day 1 (Monday)
1 Kashi granola bar 140 calories
1 lowfat french vanilla bean yogurt mmm 190 cal
1 bowl kashi cereal w/ 1/2 cup milk 180 cal
white chocolate mocha 450 cal (HOLY MOLEY NO MORE OF THOSE) (Ironically I ordered this because I thought my sister would never inhale a drink that high in calories...)
Morning total: 1270
bodes ill for lunch and dinner... yikes!
Cocunut chicken for dinner maybe.
goat cheese and melba toast 130 calories
healthy choice dinner 290 calories 1690
ice cream for 70 calories (jsut a small amount)
I'm over my goal of 1500 calories, however, still plenty shy of my maintenance
calories, so today is still a success despite the mocha
ACK 2020 but do you see how easy it is to go over?
I should have not had the mocha and not had the hamburger. the worst offender? the mocha.
The thing is even after dinner, I am still 250 calories away from my current
maintenance tally. Though cutting it a bit /way/ too close for comfort.
coconut curry chicken with cous cous 371 calories.
Okay so that is 2391. That is my maintenance weight, minus four heh. But this is just one day of
out of the week and a half I've been doing this, so I'm still okay.
I ate too many calories, but, this is the only day I've eaten too many calories
though I went away for the weekend. Maybe two days. The point is, this is long term.
I could make the mistake of saying screw it and tomorrow porking out on
some cheeseburgers, but that would negate the progress I've made. I have new
low calorie snacks, low calorie breakfasts and lunches and dinners. I don't do mcdonalds fries EVER anymore and am no longer really in the mood for cheeseburgers or hamburgers (I only
ate that hamburger because they gave me one too many, I didn't order me one, and then
I realized I didn't even want it. 260 calories later, and I'm like bleah.)
I also ordered a soda, just to 'see' if I still wanted it. I did this with smoking once.
It's my way of seeing if I really kicked a habit. Six months after I quit smoking, I spent a weekend smoking and about died. Hated it. As for the soda, dumped half of it out. Even though it was diet, it was too heavy and syrupy. Yep. I'm soda free.
And totally so a size 10 now.
I have my size 8 jeans I'm working toward. I want to be there by fall.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
McRed slept in, and played games later on. He also had a free day when I was in Oregon. The kids drove me nuts.
The kids and I are back from Oregon. Here is our trip in brief:
Day one: Visited Mt. St. Helens, which consisted of one of the adults trying to pry the toddlers away from the running train display. It was a model train that went in and out of a model mountain and well, anyhow, it's not like any of us expected the train model to be there. There were fits. We went to the crater, which is now all slowly growing back. We saw the volcano explosion video. The boys wanted to watch it again. Big booms impress them. I dragged Drama to the discovery room where we looked at bark, skinned animals (real skinned animals... poor bambi) and bugs. The only thing that got the boys away from the train? A stuffed bear.... for a brief interlude. Nice bear, nice. One thing I don't understand, I mean, I say I want to live on a mountain, but not literally. Can you imagine the bad connections they must get? And what DO they do? I don't understand why there were houses on the mountain... all alone... waiting for what? Another eruption?
Day two: We visited an abbey. Now, I was expecting something more akin to the English abbeys' I loved so much in England. Okay, this one was only 100 years old and looked way too modern for my sense of what an abbey should be, but being in England spoiled me in the abbey-expectation crap. So what was in it? A museum. In the museum? A collection of STUFFED ANIMALS as in LIVE stuffed not cute cuddly stuffed in various forms of attack. There was a bear about to rip out an elk's neck, a polar bear and a seal, a mountain cat taking down a bird of prey, and then, the kicker, two deformed animals... one was a deer or something with one head, two bodies and two extra legs on top... the other a calf with two legs coming out from under its belly. Drama was creeped out, so wasn't I. I think we all were. I don't think any of us expected to see nature frozen in action. Drama wanted to leave. I mean, a museum of taxidermy animals what on earth did that have to do with religion, monks, an abbey and Catholocism? Seriously creepy.
Day three: the best day. We did nothing til that evening. My sister and I got my hair cut, it is VERY Cute and Short but CUTE. We snuck off for a Starbucks. My sister got an emergency message that Lucky Jeans were on sale for $60 and she for a moment, entertained the notion of making a mad dash to downtown Portland for jeans, and then resigned herself to the fact she was going to buy a pair later at higher prices. No jeans are THAT good. Though the girl at the counter at my gym would disagree. She owns a closetful, which, she told me, has directly contributed to her debt, but she insists they are worth it, if only they fit her...
The best part of Day 3: Later that night, my brother-in-law's brother lives on a boat, and we went and had dinner on the boat. We took all the kids with their life jackets. This guy is a real gem. He tried to dig up life jackets for us. He let us all in his boat. He took us all for a ride up the Portland river and it was great because the boys were sitting outside and boy would they not let anyone take them inside. No, they were on a boat ride, as they kept repeating over and over and over. They also saw a helicopter which was great. They thought it was Harold. Anyone familiar with Portland knows there are a bunch of bridges crossing the river. We went under the bridges to the glee of the twins. Turbo and Bear kept saying 'under bridge' over and over, until... something MAGICAL happened... we came to a bridge that looked a little to low... Bear kept pointing and yelling 'Fit. Fit.' because that's his way of saying it won't fit, make it fit. Uncle Boat as we'll call him, radioed the bridge and they RAISED THE BRIDGE... OOOOH. What did we hear? BRIDGE UP BRIDGE UP and then when it went down BRIDGE DOWN BRIDGE DOWN. This was the language on the boat:
Under bridge. water. Ducks. boat ride. BABY BABY DUCKS. Bridge up oooh. Bridge down. Under bridge. Bye bye bridge. Water. Boat ride. Sit Grandaddy Sit outside."
On the way back, just when their magical trip up the river couldn't get any better, something even MORE magical happened. Uncle Boat radioed to get the bridge up. They said, (gasp) No. There was, get this, a TRAIN COMING. NO WAY DUDE. Uncle Boat, not understanding the ramification of trains on these two boys turned the boat around so they could see the train coming. Boy, they heard it.
TRAIN COMING. BRIDGE DOWN. TRAIN COMING. Then they saw it. YELLOW TRAIN BILL BILL. ANNABELLE SEE ANNABELLE (they thought the trolleys on the upper level was Annabelle) TRAIN COMING. SEE. LOOK LOOK TRAIN. TRAIN ON BRIDGE. CHOO CHOO. Oh man it was a long train. So the new language was "Choo choo. choo chooo. train. on bridge. bridge up. bridge down.choo choo. BOAT. BIG BIG BOAT. Under bridge. Water. Train. Bye bye train." So this went on for the whole river ride. When we went back, Uncle Boat let Bear blow the boat horn, which unfortunately for him, sounded like a train. They made Uncle Boat turn the lights on and off inside. Turbo and Bear made him play with the wipers and washers repeatedly. Uncle Boat has no children. He's great with them. His girlfriend was super. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have eaten. Sadly, she didn't get to eat. She loves kids though, apparently they were more fun than dinner. Uncle Boat carried one of the boys, I believe it was Turbo. He kept repeating the same phrase over and over, sadly, ever so sadly, "Bye bye boat bye bye boat bye bye boat." Their Uncle, who put them to bed every night, said he lifted his head one time, looked at him, said ever so softly, "Bye bye boat" and fell soundly asleep.
As for Uncle Boat? He and his girlfriend, scarred from the jubilent enthusiasm of two year olds who just witnessed a train crossing a bridge that went up and down from the close-up vantage of a boat on the water right in front of said bridge, went and got drunk. He informed me he wouldn't bother making a tape of what his boat would sound like tonight, he just said, listen to the silence... ha ha ha.
As for my mother, she perks up in the afternoons and evenings. She became all talkative and chatty. Once, I left the kitchen and she followed me, like she used to do, because she wanted to keep talking. I just called her tonight where she's visiting her sister, and she's just as perky and chatty and happy. I hope this is what she needed to help her sort of through the icky Indiania life she hates so much. I hope she improves. I hope there was enough joy to sort of get her through. She was truly happy. Still anxious, shaky and worried, but very happy. My dad? Nothing would make that man happier than living near some family. He was not meant to have a life without people. He would be happy here too, and said so. He has a dream, but we don't know if he can do it. But it's something. He wants to move out here when he retires. I hope so. I am torn between being optimistic and pessimistic. I want to be a realist, but in this situation, reality is cloaked for some reason. There is no accurate picture of my mother's true state, because she was on vacation and seeing her daughters and grandchildren so she was at her happiest and best, same with my father. In Indiania, she's at her worst. Once on the trip my dad says this is her last trip, it's too much. Then he said, maybe not, maybe she can come again. We don't know. It changes day to day. As for the doctors, they say she's healthy and fine, and treat things as they go. So who knows. It's hard. So I just enjoyed the week with her and my dad. Because it was a good week.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
My mother, after a long afternoon nap, perked up and woke up and the boys finally started interacting with her. She had a nice chat with my sister and I all evening. It was nice.
We all went to Ikea. It did get her some exercise and it did solve my dilemma of what to do for dinner (Ikea's nice cafe, my mother saw the cafe sign and decided it looked good).
We will see how tomorrow is.
My group in one of my classes, totally lame.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
I put the book list up there because Gravy's reading list consists of what I call 'campy pleasure reading' (see my list here, under campy pleasure reading).
I admit that the last book I read before the Rain of Gold epic sagas was, well, The Devil Wears Prada. (It was funny!) And I also freely admit that I am gleefully awaiting the next Karen Moning book... if she ever gets around to writing it...
As for those who spent the last two months reading nothing but Charlainne Harris, well... been there... done that... ran out of authors to be addicted to.
Apparently, my hostas are actually milkweed... my husband has informed me the weekend after I get back, we are renting a roto tiller and ending my misery that is the garden of doom. I am exalted.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
My daughter did her spring recital, "A Brand New World." It was brilliant. The high school auditorium was packed. She was a star. Her movements flowed, she and the other girls tried their best, andit was her moment in the spotlight.
The show they put on was amazing. There were three shows all day long and she was in the third show. Each show consisted of different dance classes. We saw pre-ballerinas, pre-tappers, jazzers, hip hoppers, cheerleaders, ballet, the second ballet class, jazz and tap, and my favorite, Irish softshoe and Irish hardshoe...
The place was filled. The thing I liked about it the most was that it's about all the kids, not just one or two. It's about giving them confidence, a chance to shine, a chance to perform, it's not 'try out' or 'see if you can get a part.' I mean, that is important, but that can come later, if it's something kids want to pursue. This is about the kids. And yes, there were adults, too, the advanced tap show was a lot of fun, but mostly kids. The amusing thing? Not one boy. Apparently, I'm the only mom who's even considering dance for her sons... I can't help it! I mean, come on! It's great for kids!
Anyhow, this Kent Parks and Rec also has sports for preschoolers on up as well as tons of other classes for oh well here this is the link to the summer program, which is smaller than the fall and spring one. I love the summer park series, it's all free! We're going to hit the parks.
Drama girl wants to continue ballet, and also add Irish Softshoe, so that should keep her busy in the fall. She did SOOOO WELLL.... this was the first time she was ever in front of a big audience, and she was nervous, but didn't show :) So proud of her!
How anyone can watch this show and not like it is beyond me. This is a GREAT show. I'm so sad to lose the first Doctor though! I was really liking him. It was so sad! EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE and he gave it all up for Rose... awwww. It's reported on the net, not that I spent a few hours frantically searching for clues on how the new doctor is or anything, that the new doctor is just as good in his own way.
How anyone can not even bother trying to watch this show is sad. Please people, I really need Sci Fi to pick this up and carry it. I'm OUT OF SHOWS do you people understand me? I am OUT OF TV SHOWS.... I need this Dr... /sob.
McRed bought Hereos of Might and Magic V. It's very perty. I want to play it, but first I have to play Gal Civ III. These are two games I can get addicted to, so I have to be careful. I remember playing Gal Civ til 3 a.m. when it came out. Then, Moo2 til all hours of the night. People at work would think I was up late because of Drama Girl being sick or what since she was still a toddler, but that was only 75 percent of the reason. The other 25 percent was serious game addiction.
Day 3, Dieta
McRed has been mocking my fizzy water. He wants me to give up diet coke, but wonders if I have the conviction. He also doubts the inch I lost on my waist. But he's a man. He tried telling me that my waist was where my belly was. OH MY BLASPHEMOUS WORD. Can you imagine having to measure around your belly and using that as your waist measurement?
Oh dear. I am not even going to post what that measurement is. He then accused me of sucking in my gut to make my waist smaller. THE NERVE! Anyhow, then he said "Lose five inches so we can see it and not have to measure it."
....I will pause here for a moment for the women to gasp in horror...
I mean, yes, I KNOW!
So, it is with great pleasure that I am announcing tonight's dinner -- corn-meal crispy catfish fillets with a side of garlic roasted red potatoes and asparagus. Someone will be begging for more food. Someone will be begging for chips and junk food. Someone else will just smile, happily on their way to a five-inch weight loss, and point out that this is what we need for us to see our five inch weight loss. Yes, /smug is on.
So, here's the down and dirty for day 3
Weight... NO KIDDING 145.8
Granted, some of it is water weight, but also, since I'm not going back to caffeine, and staying low-sodium, I shouldn't gain the water weight back. Now, I also know that weight fluctuates daily, which is why you are only supposed to weigh yourself once a week, however, so close to being under 145 again, I HAD to post. The MOMENT that scale hits 144, I'm so going to celebrate with one serving of Hagen Daaz' ice cream. Not enough to add another pound back on, enough to make me happy. Of course, you have to understand, once I get to my GOAL weight, than I can just maintain and Hagen Daaz (I know I'm not spelling it right) will be back on the menu occasionally.
two very unsatisfying waffles for 180 calories. I was so hungry after eating them, it was like I didn't eat at all. I am going to try whole wheat waffles and see if there is a difference in fulfillment. If not, I'm cutting waffles off the eat list. They aren't THAT tasty for 180 calories.
2 cups of coffee
Kashi granola bar
fizzy with lemon (carbonated water for my caffeine and carbonation withdrawal)
healthy choice 300 calorie chicken alfredo with brocolli. These are a little high on the sodium count but low on calories. I know they sell low-sodium versions so I'll probably buy those next time. I don't eat these on a regular basis but when I'm too tired to make lunch or just feel like not bothering putting together a healthy meal, they are great. I do need to see if they have ones with whole wheat and whole grains though.
It's noon, and so far, no headache coming on or serious caffeine need. Going to try to get through the day without motrin. May give up at 3, we will see. Coffee was crap today. I bought a flavor I hate, so I will hopefuly have an easier time giving it up since it tastes so bad!
Friday, June 09, 2006
The thing I like about it is that it's very very basic. For instance, I know now that when I reach my weight goal, I can eat 1958 calories a day. Not too shabby. If I don't want to, I can remain porky at 2368 calories.
It's totally honest, too. It states the simple truth of dieting. You are GOING to be HUNGRY. There is no way your body is going to let you skip out on about 500 calories and not make some noise. (Today, my tally is 740 less than normal, and I have no celery) They recommend doing exercise to lose 1 lb a week and to cut calories by only 250 a day to lose the other pound a week. It's a very honest approach. So what do you do when you are hungry? Like my trainer says, you can um, I'm quoting Sir Bufalot here, "NOT EAT" or you can munch on celery. Continously.
It agrees with the Rice Diet on the principle that you have to eat low-fat. I think any diet that doesn't contain the words or principle or philosophy of 'eat low-fat meals' is going to fail healthwise because fat, um, makes us fat, and is a huge cholesterol raiser.
I'm also doing low-sodium, and have totally bought into the Rice Diet's philosophy of non-processed foods, whole grains and oats, organic and no sugar, white bread, white rice, enriched stuff. But if you're not into brown rice. seven grain puff cereal, whole grain bread that's so whole and grainy it's chewy and honey almond flax granola bars, than just cut the calories.
One final note for all those dieters: If it says low-fat, check the calories and be careful. Sometimes, low-fat foods are high in calories or sugar or salt or other 'appetite increasing' stimulants. For instance, just today I fed my sons chocolate no-fat pudding because just LOOKING at them were making me want the pudding, the ice cream in my freezer, diet soda, and believe it or not, potato chips. The pudding had to go. The ice cream is staying. I am human, after all.
Oh and if you're going to cheat, cheat well. Don't get chocolate, get Dark, Rich, Full chocolate. Don't get cheap ice cream. Get the full creamy ice cream. Why do I say this? Because you deserve it? No. We are all trying to lose weight here, we deserve tofu and celery. No. I say cheat well because you'll eat LESS of it. It's not an actual original idea of mine, but I find it to be true. Well, IF you stay strong and limit your portions.
p.s. my dinner consisted of an 'easy out' meal, a prepackaged healthy choice 320 calorie chicken parmean delight with 600 (eek) mg of sodium.
I've always been fascinated by the Puritans that first came to New England (being a born New Englander, it's sort of drilled into you...) and actually did a paper on Puritan literature (Doooommmm), so this book is a natural pick for me.
Brother Odd by Dean Koontz
This is the third in his Odd Thomas series and I've enjoyed every one of them.
On Writing by Stephen King ... by far one of the most enlightening books on the writing process I've read.
Check out my all-time favs though.
American Gods -- Neil Gaiman
Magic Street -- Orson Scott Card
Rain of Gold -- Victor Villasenor
Wild Swans, Three Daughters of China -- Jung Chang
The Godfather books -- Mario Puzo
Canticle for Leibowitz -- Walter Miller
Ender's Game -- Orson Scott Card
Childhood's End - Arthur C. Clarke
Once Upon a Future King -- T.H. White
Mists of Avalon -- Marion Zimmer Bradley
Enchanted -- Orson Scott Card
Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
Last Light of the Sun -- Guy Gavriel Kay
Through a Glass Darkly -- Karleen Koen
Memoirs of a Geisha
Enjoyable Zen (I really don't know what to call this category)
Ishmael -- Dainel Quinn
All We Know of Heaven
Two Old Women -- Velma Willis
Tuesdays with Morris
On the Beach -- Shute
I also enjoy pure campy pleasure reads as much as the next person, but those don't fit here.
Two of the mom's came, the two I like the most. The third didn't come, which made me sad because I like her, too, but I think she had to work. Or I may have not heard the door... there was a phone call I missed, and my door bell works sporadically, oh well... I hope it was that she couldn't make it, I'd feel bad. I'm changing the day back to Monday. More people showed up when it was on Monday. Other than that, it was nice. I like small groups.
We did Rain of Gold, we are all supposed to be reading Fatherland, and for October, we're doing In Cold Blood.
Day 2, Dieta
Weight at 12:15 p.m. - 147 lbs.
1 1/2 cups of coffee
1 bowl Kashi 7 whole grain honey puffs w/ 2 splendas. If you're not a splenda person, 1 tsp of brown sugar would give it the sweet kick it needs
3/4 Kashi honey almond granola bar (the boys HAD to have a BITE PLEASE)
2 cherries (that wasn't actually portioned out, but Bear refused to eat them)
Bite of macaroni and cheese (boys' lunch, it was looking at me funny...)
Bowl of cocunut curry chicken from last night's dinner
4 peanut m & ms... i'm wondering how long this bag will last... I refuse to eat more than four!
This morning was fine, just the normal coffee. Normally, I'd have had a soda by now, but instead had the book club. I forgot to hydrate, so felt a headache starting. I took some motrin and am drinking water, but it's lingering, my own fault. It'll be gone soon. I intend to drown it with my fizzy carbonated water and lemon trick, and soon, more motrin.
I was too busy to be hungry. I had my coffee, ate my cereal and ran around like a mad nut trying to get the house ready for my guests. They came, we chatted, they left and it was 12:20 and I realized, my gosh, I think I'm hungry... so I got the boys their lunch, and ate mine. Now I'm not hungry.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
So I’m doing it. I’m doing the rice diet ala lahdeedah style. What that means is that while I understand if I follow it truly, I will lose 20 lbs in a month, I am not able to follow it fully. The only sad thing about that is if I lost 20 lbs that would pretty much um, well, be 5 lbs short of my goal. What I am doing is the rice diet PLUS a lean meat a day and 1 extra fruit or veggie portion a day. This is something the book recommends, so in a way it’s not even my idea, though I thought of it before I read it in the book… Three of the meats will be fish (to my family’s horror) and one of which will be tofu and not meat at all MUAHAHA… okay maybe not. I think the success of this will be based on four factors:
Eating only whole grains and wheats, no processes foods
Not drinking diet coke or more than one cup of coffee
Not being hungry because the diet isn’t sustatinable
This diet believes the key is a bowl of really fiber intensive cereal or oatmeal in the morning to keep you filled up. I won’t know until tomorrow. Today was yogurt. Keep in mind I’m doing this while giving up diet coke, my mainstay, and next week coffee, so it should be interesting how the two mix, but as I explained, I believe diet coke and caffeine and coffee by extension are evil, and prevent me from actually accomplishing anything aside from increased anxiety about nothing, sleepless nights, tired days and a slightly twitchy feeling…
Weight: 148 lbs at 11:14 a.m.
A grande mocha we are just going to pretend didn't happen
1 cup grapes
1 slice whole wheat toast with 1 tsp smart balance butter spread
1 slice whole wheat toast with 1 tsp smart balance butter spread
1 1/3 cup of bean and corn salad
1 1/3 cup of bean and corn salad
A piece of cantaloupe
1 slice whole wheat toast with 1 tsp smart balance butter spread
Coconut curry chicken – 361 calories, 778 mg of sodium. It’s a bit high on the sodium levels, and I am trying to go low-sodium to get my cholesterol down but I don’t think an occasional binge will be bad.As for the caffeine, well, right after my coffee I wanted a soda, so had a glass of water. Then a half hour after that, wanted a soda. Grabbed a carbonated water with a slice of lime in it. Then, half an hour after that, I realized I was hungry. But wait, I was hungry, but wanted diet coke, not food. Ignored the false signals my sneaky body was sending out and didn’t eat or have diet coke. Had more water. By 11 a.m. well, lets just say that my piss is like water. So cut back on the water, had lunch. Wondering how I’m going to go until 7 with just a small snack of fruit and another slice of whole wheat toast while fending off sneak attacks from my caffeine-addicted body. We shall see. As it is, at noon, I had to pop two motrin – which contains no caffeine -- to fend off an impending headache/caffeine-withdrawal ache… so soon!
As for the cholesterol, I’m supposed to lose 25 points in three months. It’s not high, but it’s not low or ideal. Neat huh.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
That's right. My chosen drink since, well, grade school, literally, I was a coca-colaholic from about like, 12 on, til the full-fledged product started making me ill (too heavy) and then I went lite sometime around the age of 17. I'm 34. Yes. That long.
It is the reason I can't lose weight, though. I've decided this is simply truth, and must be accepted. It's the sodium. It also makes me want snack food. It ruins the taste of fruit and natural foods.
It must be eradicated.
Next, caffeine. Also an enemy. It makes me jittery, and it makes me want more caffeine.
I want to lose about 25 pounds and cholesterol points. This will not happen with diet coke and coffee. They must go. I'm starting with the diet coke, because while I have given up coffee in the past, I have never successfully eliminated diet coke from my life. I have decided to replace diet coke with cans of carbonated water and slices of lemon. In a few days, after the shock and headaches have passed, I will start the new healthy eating plan en force. Right now, I'm just sorta eating healthy... dinner tonight... salmon and artichokes with a nice salad.
Garbage. I say. Garbage.
No, actually, let me say, debris.
That's right. Rabanco didn't pick up my yard debris. My lawn and garden waste. One blue 32 gallon container lidded, two 32-gallon properly labeled compost-acceptable brown paper refuse bags. Driver drove RIGHT BY MY HOUSE, picked up my neighbors, didn't pick up mine and didn't even leave a note (normal practice) or word as to why.
So yes, I called....
AFTER 25 MINUTES (I know most people are like, 25 minutes and you're complaining, we are soo trained to expect long hold times) I hung up and complained online.
Politely. Expressing my frustration.
I fully expect them to drive by in response to my email complaint, and leave a little yellow note saying why they can't take my trash and telling me to have a nice day.
I cannot believe I am so irate over Yard Debris, but WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT!!!!
...and do you know what McRed had the AUDACITY to say to me? Do you? Let me tell you....
"Fine. All you ever do is complain. You never talk."
This from the man who sent several links and rants daily about the incompetence that is called our government. Yes I agree, but you can't say that is talking, and not complaining, unless you say that I was talking to him, and not complaining.
So now I'm talkin' to you, and you know what I say?
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Also, McRed has been put on 'demolish all living things in the backyard' duty with me. I'm not sure when we are going to attack the yard, but it will be sooner than later. I started on it, but it's defeated me, and I can't do it alone, particularly since for me, alone means with two heat-sensitive complaining toddlers. I want it done before it gets hot enough for me to bring the pool out back. They will romp free of weeds dang it! McRed informed me that when he gets out there, every living green thing will go. I'm okay with that... except for the things I planted, the roses and the things in the garden beds, but mostly, the things i'm worried about are on the path, so he can kill it all. Hopefully before it rains again and sets everything on another growing frenzy.